Beyond Monogamy

The American vision of a healthy relationship is a vision of monogamy: both partners sexually exclusive with each other. Adding a Christian layer of thought to this, monogamy begins at birth: A couple is to lose their virginity on their wedding night and never have sex with another until death parts the pair. This is the belief system I was raised in, taught to others, and lived in for 45 years.

There are some problems with this understanding.

Monogamy doesn’t work in reality. Couples—yes, even Christians—who go their entire lives monogamous are rare. (Only 5% of American women getting married in the 2010s were virgins, and only 22% had only one sexual partner before getting married.) We can celebrate their relationship, but the reality is that most people are not virgins when they marry.

And many relationships have sexual detours of some kind. Sixteen percent of all American marriages report having affairs. Since 14% of religious people report having an affair, religious observance does not seem to be a strong indicator of monogamy.

"People are participating in "nontraditional" relationships, but our culture largely continues to view them as unsavory or inferior. A litany of studies have shown that people believe monogamous relationships are inherently more trusting, committed, passionate and sexually satisfying and less likely to involve jealousy than other types of relationships." —Katie Moritz

Monogamy has no biological underpinnings.

Some species are biologically monogamous. Penguins tend to mate for life, for example, finding their partners through the din of roaring penguin hordes. Some estimate that up to five percent of animal species are mostly monogamous.

Most species are not monogamous.

Other species are socially monogamous, meaning that the family unit is whole, but sexual fidelity is not expected.

Biology like variety, it seems. And this is true for humans as well as other animals.

American Monogamy’s social underpinnings are rooted in a Judeo-Christian view of sex seen through a prism of “purity idealism.”

The American view of sex should not resemble the uptight, repressed vision of such characters as “The Church Lady”—but it does.

It is important to remember that the pillars of the Jewish people were polygamous. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, and King David all had multiple wives.

By the time of Christ, social monogamy was the norm. Although the New Testament does skew toward monogamy, sex does not have the taboo associated with it that it will as the church’s understanding of sex developed as only for procreation (that is, no pleasure allowed).

In ministry I heard many times from couples that one or both of them felt guilty for having sex after getting married. They had such a rigid view of sex, that even when allowed it produced shame. This is not a healthy way to think of one of the most basic human needs.

Mis-mated Partners

After twenty-five years as a Christian minister, I can count on one hand the number of “sexually compatible” couples I worked with. More common is one partner with high libido and the other with low libido—and sometimes the libidos change over time. This pairing is a setup for trouble: one partner is sexually unfulfilled and the other is either oblivious the the other’s needs or frustrated that they cannot fulfill them.

The result in Christian circles is that the one who wants sex is aberrant or selfish. Harping back to some ideal of purity that considers sex a necessary evil only allowed for procreation, the needs of the partner with high libido is relegated to second place.

But what if we put it in a different light: If a partner has a dietary need, we’re wiling to adjust so that their physical needs can be met. We will adapt for food needs, but not sexual needs. Sex is ultimately seen a secondary and optional.

If both partners hold to strict monogamy, there is more often than not a conflict of some kind.

For Your Consideration: “I will be safe and I will be here.”

A way to understand healthy relationships can be seen in social monogamy. Social monogamy means that our family unit is whole and sound, but monogamy is not required. Just as one partner might have a hobby or interests outside the home, so one or both partners may have a sexual interest outside the home.

The idea here is that the family relationship is about presence and safety, not about control or possession. Partners are safe, using STI prevention and birth control. And partners are “here,” meaning that sex is about your own needs, not about finding a new family unit.

Challenges to Social Monogamy

• Jealousy. It is difficult to admit that I cannot fulfill my partner, especially when your thinking is completely based on ideas like “wifely duty” or “I should be enough for her.” It takes a lot of trust to know that a partner will have an other sexual experience and sill be yours. If your partner is the one having sex outside your relationship, you will need to work on giving people space and make sure you understand (and believe in) social monogamy. Trust can be very difficult in uncharted territory. 
• Bad faith sex. Some partners don’t deserve trust, however. There are people who will not respect boundaries and take risks that endanger the family unit. Social monogamy gives great sexual freedom, but does not dismiss one’s connection and relationship to the other partner. If you are the partner having non-monogamous sex, you still must be a person of integrity and care for your partner’s needs. 
• Guilt. The partner with high libido may feel very guilty for having a sex drive. If that partner believes (or has baggage from being raised in the belief) that monogamy is the only true family relationship model, then every sexual encounter may feel like “cheating.” Working through this guilt will be an important part of your self-care and of being able to be open with your partner. 

More Reads

Are Humans Meant to be Monogamous?
Are Monogamous Relationships Inherently Better?
Contra: Why Do Virgins Have the Happiest Marriages