Ghosting

I was playing Words with Friends with Paul, a nurse in Pennsylvania. We were evenly matched and both like to smack talk using the messaging feature of that app. We played several games and learned a bit about each other. Then nothing. 

Paul ghosted me. 

He stopped playing and blocked me, and I don’t know why. Was it something I said or didn’t say? Was I way too awesome for him? Did I win/lose too many times? Key to ghosting is that we don’t know why it happens. 

Contrast ghosting to boundary setting. When I set boundaries, I do things and say things that protect me from another’s undesirable traits and behaviors—but there is still some kind of relationship there, no matter how strained. Ghosting however, separates completely, as if the relationship had never been, as if you’re just a ghost. 

 Ghosting—the act of cutting ties with another person, usually in reference to cutting social media interactions—may be a new term, but it is not a new concept. For as long as there has been human interaction, there have been times when one person or group separated from another group. The ultimate form of ghosting is the practice of expulsion from a community, such as excommunication or exile. Think of this in terms of the family leader telling a wayward child, “You are dead to me.” 

But smaller forms of ghosting are ever-present, and can be accomplished quickly in just a few taps of social media “block” and “unfollow” buttons. Ghosting as a term has roots in social media, but I suggest that it is both a result of and a contributing factor in a culture where social bonds are now seen a optional and constructed, rather than obligatory and organic. Let me explain these terms and then apply them to the ghosting phenomenon. 

FOUR QUADRANTS OF RELATIONSHIPS (AND GHOSTING) 

We can use two axes to build and understanding of our relationships: one axis is obligatory-optional; the other organic-chosen. 

Obligatory relationships are required for survival—whether physical, spiritual, emotional or other kind of human need. 

Optional relationships are not required for survival, although they may be desirable or advantageous. 

Organic relationships are most often connected by biology: nuclear family, extended family, tribe, ethnic group, race. 

Constructed relationships require a person to “opt in” to be part of that relationship, and therefore have an inherent “opt out” possibility. 

Where you see any of your relationships may will be specific to you, and may change over time. Similarly, the way a culture, group, or organization sees relationships will be specific and may change. These two axes create quadrants where we can plot our various relationships. 

TRIBE: Obligatory-Organic 

Obligatory relationships are those necessary for survival and deeply rooted in your own organic self-definition. A child growing up needs others for care and maintenance, else the child will die. By nature of birth, the organic family naturally cares for children. 

As we age, however, our need for our organic family may fade. We may have resources that allow us to favor those outside our group over those within, moving us up the axis and allowing more constructed relationships. Similarly, we may find that we no longer need certain relationships to survive, so we may cultivate more optional relationships. 

Relationships in the Tribe zone are necessary for survival and connected to our human, organic condition. One important element in the Tribe is fear—fearing physical harm or hardship without the tribal bond.   

Few people reading this have any relationships that they absolutely need for survival. There are almost no obligatory relationships for a modern adult in the civilized world. Rather, Western Culture has cultivated the individual over the collective. We understand “I think, therefore I am,” much more readily than other cultures which might emphasize, “I am part of my group, therefore I am.” 

DENOMINATION: Obligatory-Constructed 

Even though obligatory relationships are required for survival, there are those we choose. Religion provides a reference for this. I must be connected to a religious body for my eternal salvation (an obligation), but I can convert to another sub-group within my faith, or even to another practice within certain parameters (an option). 

Fear also plays an important role in Obligatory-Constructed relationships, but this fear is less about physical survival than it is spiritual or social survival. 

In non-organic organizations, such as church where few members are related, there is a strong sense of obligation—get right with God for blessings now and in the next life. “Getting right with God” always involves behavior modification—stop sinning; start giving. If you don’t do these things, you risk eternal punishment.

Growing up in the Churches of Christ I was raised that the church family superseded the biological family. Yet the obligation to the church was tight and unyielding.

Politics can fall into this quadrant as well. What policy can be advanced or politician survive without the larger political machine?

A note about obligatory relationships

A powerful tool for maintaining any obligatory relationship—both Tribe and Denomination—is the use of shame by the powerful members of the social group. The less one is dependent upon the relationships for survival, the more shame keeps relationships close. An adult may reject a relationship because the other person doesn’t fit into the tribal self-definition. Think of family members saying, “What will the neighbors think,” or “if you get bad grades you will bring shame to your family.” Often, these things don’t need to be spoken since shame is deeply ingrained. 

Shame is a powerful tool to bring members into line with dogma and practice. I remember emotional teenage church events where we were called out for sinful behavior. We felt shamed even when we weren’t guilty—scared straight, as they say. The notion was that these unrelated people (Chosen relationships) could control us (place Obligations on us) through shame and fear-inducing experiences. 

AUTONOMY: Optional-Organic 

Not all organic relationships are obligatory. Simply because two people are related doesn’t mean they will have connection. Family and clan members can move away from each other physically, emotionally, politically, religiously or in other ways. 

Distancing oneself from the obligations of the organic tribe can happen because of differences of opinion and experience. For example, the racist uncle may stop getting invitations to Thanksgiving dinner, or the siblings may stop calling because their life experiences are so different that they cannot relate. 

 SOCIAL: Optional-Constructed 

All of this brings us to the Social world—the world where social media reigns. Optional-Constructed relationships have no genetic connection among members, and are not necessary for survival. On the far extreme is the follower on Post or Instagram who never interacts, but feels connected nonetheless. 

These relationships can be quickly and easily discarded, and the one being cut off may not even know about it. Another example of relationships in this quadrant would be roommates. Two people with no biological connection are put together in intimate circumstances. There is some obligation here: I can’t pay the rent if you don’t pay me your half. But this obligation is weak temporary, so one roommate can leave at the end of the contract without remorse. 

The classic example of life in this quadrant is the television show Friends. The main characters are (with exception) unrelated and put together by luck of roommate selection and apartment proximity. The social/emotional bonds here are real, but they are constructed by the choices characters made. These real bonds have a sense of obligation to each other, but there is always a tension about someone moving away or finding a partner who will dilute the connections the characters feel—ultimately the relationships are optional. 

BACK TO GHOSTING 

Ghosting is easiest in the Social quadrant. Paul could ghost me in our Words game because he has zero obligation to me or the game, and because we have no connection outside the game. Neither of us lost any sleep when the connection ended. 

Since ghosting breaks all ties, only those relationships that are seen as optional can truly be ghosted. Interestingly, with philosophical independence (I don’t need you to define myself) and financial independence (I don’t need you for physical survival), there are few truly obligatory relationships left in the Western world. Independent income means survival is less dependent on family, and so one can move out of the house, get transportation, health insurance, etc. 

The great quadrant shift 

The phenomenon of ghosting in social media reflects the shift of all relationships in a culture that has increasingly valued independence over organic connection, and sees relationships as optional rather than caring obligation. 

Realize that for the better part of human history most relationships would have been in the tribal quadrant. The organic family/tribe carried with it obligation. To reject the family or the obligation likely left one helpless and alone. 

It is an American value to leave home and make your way in the world. That means you (and many like you) must have the resources develop option-chosen communities. This is why queer people talk of their “chosen family”— those who provide a community not based on genetics or other organic basis— when rejected by their biological family. 

I’ve experienced this with my sons, neither of whom needs me for survival and have chosen to not interact with me. Biology has little relevance when one has social and economic independence. 

Consider how many of your relationships are truly obligatory, that if they disappeared your existence would be in grave danger. Also consider how many of your deepest connections do or do not have an organic connection to you, as with family and tribal members. Again, each one of us will have different answers to these questions. But in a world where we opt in to constructed communities, relationships can be easily tossed. 

Ghosting is an inevitable result.